Would a sexless marriage work, for you?
“Not
for me,” says Terry Langat, 28. Terry has been happily married for four
years now and believes that a healthy sexual relationship is a basic
ingredient of a happy marriage.
In her view, if you are not having sex with your significant other, you are missing a vital connection.
Many
Kenyan women share this point of view, yet many of them are living in
almost sexless relationships, not for lack of libido or desire, but
because they do not trust their straying partners, no longer feel
physically thrilled by them, just would not be bothered to initiate or
participate, or have higher libidos than their partners.
Everyone
agrees — in theory at least — that sex is an extremely important part
of an intimate union. Religious elders say so, couple therapists say so,
and even the law says so.
LEGALLY OBLIGED
In
fact, many husbands do not know that they risk being compelled by the
courts to service their wives if they should take the legal route to
force their husbands to have sex with them.
On a personal level and in the real world, though, things are different.
Women, it turns out, are willing to sacrifice their physical satisfaction for a man who provides.
Maureen
Nyaga, 30, is one of them. She says that sex is a vital component of a
marriage. For her, it serves many more purposes than pleasure.
But she says that whether a lack of it is enough to bring a marriage to an end depends on the circumstances surrounding it.
If
her man’s disinterest in sex is caused by medical issues, then she
would take it but even then, she would expect other forms of physical
affection from him like hugging and cuddling.
“If he
wasn’t attracted to me anymore then it would mean that we were living a
lie. Being sexual is part of being married,” she says.
VITAL COMPONENT
Alice
Chege, a 33-year-old from Nakuru, agrees. “A good sexual relationship
is just part of the deal and if he was a good father and perfectly
played all his other roles, then I would put up with it because I
believe that he would do the same for me.
Look at it
this way, if we had a happy marriage and he had an accident that made
him unable to have sex, would this be a reason to leave him? “
“If sex was the only trouble spot in our relationship, I wouldn’t be so quick to sacrifice my family,” says Linda Waya, 28.
However, she doubts that she could survive a lifetime with a husband who was not the least bit interested in her sexually.
CAUSE TO STRAY
So
what happens when a woman is not getting enough? It is human nature to
want to feel wanted and desired, especially by those whom we are
romantically involved with.
Open rejection from a
partner can lead a woman to feel undesired and unloved and sexual
frustration is likely to open up a lot of temptations for her to have
her needs met elsewhere.
She is not content with platonic bliss but she does not see sex as a big enough reason to throw her family into disarray.
Most
couples in this situation usually only see two ways out of it. To cheat
on their significant other and live with the guilt or ignore the
problem and stay, feeling trapped and stressed.
GETTING TO THE ROOT
According to relationships counsellor Maurice
Matheka, both of these options ultimately tear a couple apart. The only
way out of this situation is getting to the root of the issue.
Talking with your man about it and forging a way forward together.
But
this is easier said than done; sex is an awkward topic, to begin with,
and complaints about an otherwise loving partner’s performance can feel
unnecessarily hurtful.
So, what if he refuses to talk
about it or to get help? I pose this question to Mariam Gumbe, who has
been married for six years.
She admits that this is not something that has crossed her mind. For her, cheating is out of the question.
MARITAL BLISS
The
way she sees it, if the problem went on for years and he persistently
refused to get help, it would mean that he did not care about her or
their relationship and she would ask for a divorce. “That is the most
honest option. We all deserve to be happy,” she says.
If
she found herself in such a situation, Georgina Njeri, 27, says she
would try and talk it through with her husband of two years, the way
they do with other issues.
She is, however, sceptical
about taking matters like these to a third party unless this person is a
doctor or a therapist. She says that she has seen couples at the church
she goes to take sexual issues to the church elders, who in turn remind
them of the duties that husbands and wives have.
She does not know whether or not these reminders work but she insists that she would not go this way.
“I
would hate to pressure him. Sex for me should have an emotional
connection and if he was just fulfilling his duties, then it would be
mechanical. I want him to actually want to do it, not have to put up
with it.”
LEGAL SOLUTION
There
is always the legal route to help resolve a sexless marriage. The law
acknowledges that one of the duties of a spouse is to have sex with
their partner.
Nairobi lawyer Kimani Githongo says
that wilful denial of sex by a spouse or refusal to actively participate
in it without a reasonable cause is mental cruelty and grounds for
divorce permissible under Kenyan laws.
Under the
Matrimonial Causes Act, women in sexless but salvageable marriages can
seek the intervention of the court to be given an order for the
restitution of conjugal rights.
If the courts do not
find any reason why this decree should not be granted, they will grant
it. But the courts are keen not to infringe on the rights of each party.
For instance, if a man is withholding sex because
either he or she is infected with HIV, then a court cannot give an order
for the restitution of conjugal rights.
COMPENSATION IN LIEU OF CONJUGAL RIGHTS
While
the courts may not be able to force one person to have sex with
another, if a man is given this order but still refuses to grant the
wife her conjugal rights, he will be required to periodically pay sums
of money to his wife.
At this point, this can be
grounds for divorce. The Act, however, does not address the plight of
the wife who refuses to obey such an order.
According
to Matheka, there is no black and white description of how much sex is
enough sex or what amounts to a sexless marriage.
He
explains that individuals have varying sexual energies from time to time
even in marriage and when sex is withheld for prolonged periods or
there is a major difference in the sexual needs and desires of the
partners, then a marriage can be referred to as sexless.
If
your man has never had sex with you and he has persistently denied you
sex throughout the marriage, this means that the marriage is not
consummated and is grounds for an annulment.
